The Zucchini and I: Part II (Into the Kitchen)

You know that calm some people have in the kitchen? The cool easy way they keep an eye on a stovetop, an oven and a cutting board?

I don't have that.

This is what a verbalization of my cooking looks like: Oh, this is so nice, I'm making an awesome new dish that Tiffany will love, she'll be so impressed... oh sh*t, how many teaspoons of this were there, let me check again, oh crap, I'm not holding a teaspoon, I've got a tablespoon in my hand, umm, okay, well, I didn't put it in yet, so that's fine, alright, let's see, oh the sauce is boiling, when sauce boils, turn down to low and simmer, okay, simmering, simmering, tasting, tasting, oh sh*t, sauce on my white shirt, awesome, well, laundry tomorrow then, and, I need to be cutting vegetables, so I'm cutting vegetables, chop, chop, chop, chop, careful with my fingers, I'm so scared I'm going to cut my fingers, sh*t, I haven't steamed the greens yet, okay, I'm chopping the greens, I'm throwing them in a pot, and now I'm chopping again, wait, wasn't this supposed to be relaxing--yes, it was, I'm putting on a c.d...

(I'll pause while you digest the fact that Tiffany and I still have c.d.s. You'll need another pause to digest this: not only do we still have all our c.d.s, but because we moved out together with them in those soft travel cases, we went out and bought plastic cases, put our c.d.s in those and labeled them all... by hand. We sometimes did this on Friday nights and we loved it.)

...oh, I love this song, I'm singing, I'm singing, I'm... and my greens are smoking, awesome, the greens are smoking, they need more water...

I don't have that natural knack for the kitchen. But I do have a mom who does and a handful of second-moms who do, and, lucky for them, I also have Joy (that's Joy of Cooking, the gigantic cookbook, for you non-cooks) So I have enough make-shift knack to get me by. And I enjoy being in the kitchen. I like trying new recipes. In fact, unlike Tiffany, I must have a recipe when I cook. Tiffany is different--she likes to experiment.

A few weeks ago, I was on a major baking kick. I baked a loaf of dill bread, which was a little dense, but tasty. Then I tried baking a French baguette. This, I'll admit, was too ambitious. After all, prior to the dill bread, my baking accomplishments included: biscuits, cookies and cornbread. The French baguette, my mom pointed out gently, is one of the hardest breads to make. What I made was more like a long brick. It tasted alright (although not like a French baguette), but it was as solid as a rock and required microwaving to make it soft enough to chew.

As faithful readers will remember, last week I became the proud owner of a 17-inch zucchini. On Saturday night, while Tiffany went out with some friends, I stayed home for some much needed down-time. I put on a mix-c.d. that one of my friends from college made me when we were in college, and I made zucchini lasagna--with the zucchini as the noodles! I danced around a little bit, reveling in the space of our new kitchen. I sang out loud. I nearly finished a bag of jalopeno chips and did finish a can of Dr Pepper. I made a huge mess. I cleaned it up.

And then I tried some of my 17-inch zucchini lasagna (actually only 8.5-inches because the pan wasn't big enough for the whole thing). It was delicious. And, when Tiffany came home, she thought so too.