In the Ring

"Is she going to punch us?"

This morning Tiffany and I decided to take a beginner boxing class. At beginner boxing class, they loan you a pair of gloves. I almost vomited when I put them on--that's how bad they smelled.

"Hands up!" the tattoo-covered instructor yelled. She was bouncing all around the room in her boxing shoes. "Hands in front of your face! Do you want to get pummeled?"

"No," I whispered, putting my hands up. I made the mistake of inhaling and then gagged, throwing up in my mouth a little. "No, seriously, babe, is she going to hit us?"

"Don't breathe through your nose!" Tiffany hissed.

"Don't push your bag!" the woman yelled.

I was totally pushing my bag. To stop it from swinging, I hugged it discreetly.

"Don't hug your bag!" the woman yelled.

I glared at her.

"Have you boxed before?" the woman asked Tiffany while I circled my bag, one-twoing, one-twoing.

"No," Tiffany answered.

"Are you lying to me?" the woman said, raising her eyebrows. "You're a natural."

I rolled my eyes.

"Pivot," the woman said coming over to witness my feeble attempts at appearing natural. She wrenched my ankle out from under me. "P-i-v-o-t. Move your feet."

Then we got to spar. I thought I would be a good spar-er, but I wasn't. Not even a little bit good. I called out one punch for Tiffany and then held my gloves up in the total wrong position. Also, I left my gut exposed, which the instructor demonstrated by reeling back and pretend-punching my stomach.

"One, two, three, four!" I shouted to Tiffany, holding my hands up for her to hit them and then moving them out of the way.

"I'm punching you," Tiffany reminded me. "Keep your gloves still."

"Hands up!" the woman shouted somewhere near my right ear.

Tiffany and I burst out laughing.

"What are you doing!?" the woman yelled.

"Boxing!" I shouted back, giggling.

Naturally.