Saturday, January 4, 2014

Skinny-Schminny


Outfit parity is essential in a relationship. Maybe it's a lesbian thing, but if Tiffany and I are getting dressed and I turn around to discover she's a 10 and I'm only a 2 or 3 on the hotness scale, I go back to my drawers and hangers.

Sometimes this can lead to less than pleasant exchanges.

"How does this look?" Tiffany asked one night. 

I glared at her.

"Well, you don't have to be so rude," she said. "If you don't like it..."

"Don't like it?" I hissed. "You look gorgeous! Now I have to start all over!"

It's moments like these that led me to believe I needed a pair of skinny jeans. 

Tiffany has some and because she's so fit and because they so fit, she looks fantastic whenever she wears them--fashionable. Next to her in my old-school boot cut jeans, I look, well, exactly like I did in the 8th grade.

Always of generous spirit, Tiffany promised to help me find skinny jeans, so the other day we went shopping. She loaded me down with multiple pairs in various shades of denim and black and then accompanied me to the dressing room.

And that's where I discovered that there is nothing about skinny jeans that makes me feel skinny. First of all, they're generally about 10 inches too long, so to start off I feel short. Second, by the time I pull them over my thighs, I've started to sweat, so now I feel, in addition to short, somewhere in the range of not-skinny-to-fat.

"Imagine having to pull these on and off on a regular basis?"I asked Tiffany, breathless, after the fourth or fifth pair was stuck somewhere between my knees and ankles. "I can't."

She laughed.

"No, babe, I'm serious," I said. "I can't get these off my calves and I'm starting to have a panic attack."

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